Search This Blog

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Loving the Teen Years

I often feel that I've nothing to offer here. The parenting scenarios I'm currently facing, I feel I haven't the authority yet to advise others about. The successes of the past are quickly forgotten when you've got four children to raise in the present. A conversation with a fellow parent at school yesterday reminded me that I have done a few things right about which I can confidently offer advice.

My oldest daughter is fourteen and my youngest is six. I am grateful to be out of the toddler years, and thoroughly enjoying my foray into the early teens. This statement keeps astonishing people. I have two daughters in Middle School! How am I not going crazy with the emotional drama and the attitude?!?

These are two separate issues which I will address individually. The emotional drama for girls actually begins early. My husband frequently says that the "pre" in PMS begins at birth. Some girls are just more melodramatic than others. Ignore it and it will usually diminish. As far as the PMS goes, it really does start to kick in around the age of nine. While girls may be years away from beginning menstruation, the necessary hormones are already beginning to cycle in slowly increasing amounts.

You'll begin to notice a random meltdown occurs about once a month, and around the time mom is starting her period. This is a good time to have your first period talk. In school, in fourth grade, all girls get what I call the "don't panic when you start your period talk." Boys won't get their first sex talk until fifth grade. They go play sports or something while the girls get this talk. This may seem early, but statistically some girls have already started their periods, and this can be traumatic if they're not prepared. Menstruation has more to do with reaching about 100 lbs of weight with at least 14% body fat than reaching a certain age. Long before this, the first time I connected their meltdown with my cycle, I had the "you're getting you're grown up woman emotions talk." These meltdowns are completely different from regular childhood meltdowns. They make no sense and cannot be solved even by giving in. They must run their course. They also usually occur only once a month and are over in a few hours.

I don't think my mom knew about this when I was growing up. My meltdowns were met with frustration. They made no more sense to me than to my parents. There's no sense to them. There is no solution. Every little thing that's bothering you becomes a big deal and there is no way to fix it. You'll hear things like, "I don't have any friends. Nobody likes me. I hate school." All from a child with lots of friends who is well liked and gets up excited to go to school every morning.

Try telling them this during their meltdown and it will only make things worse. Take notes. These are your child's insecurities talking. You can consider how to bolster their confidence in these areas later, during normal life. During the meltdown they need quiet time alone. In our house they can throw fits all they want, but the rest of us don't have to listen to them. Ergo, fits must be taken to their bedrooms. After the fit we have our talk.

The "You're Getting Your Grown Up Woman Emotions Talk":

After explaining how their hormones have begun to cycle to prepare their body for when they grow up and want to have babies, we talk about how they felt when they were having their fit. We compare what they felt and said then to what they feel now. They quickly realize how crazy what they felt was. I explain how this is going to continue to various degrees. Then we talk about how to deal with these emotional meltdowns. There a several important rules I apply to myself and teach my daughters for dealing with strong emotional swings.

1. Take care of yourself. Get a little extra sleep. Eat a small chocolate. Take some time alone in a quiet place. Workout. Don't feel bad about doing this. As women, we are inclined to take care of everyone else and neglect ourselves. In school our daughters are constantly pushed to keep up with academics and sports, and their bodies sometimes suffer. It's important to take care of ourselves first so we don't burn out. If it strikes on Monday morning, stay home from school. A lunch date with mom while learning how to be a woman responsible for herself is more important than one missed day of school.

2. Keep silent. It is too easy to say something you'll regret later. Stay off the phone. No texting. Keep off Facebook. Send no emails. Pass no notes. If you feel the need to communicate, keep a journal. Write all the crappy things about your life down and look back at it a few days later. Decide then what is ridiculous and what you might actually need to do something about.

3. Let it go when it's over. Recognize that our bodies will do and feel things that our brains can find no sense in. There's no need to do anything or solve anything. When it's over, let it be over. Mom and dad don't bring it up or dwell on it. There's no punishment. Punishment for something they have no control over is unwarranted. There's no behavior modification that can stop this. Letting it go will keep the emotions from accumulating and becoming successively worse. Furthermore, giving any credence to what came up during the meltdown will cause a domino effect of drama.

That wasn't so hard, was it? Not even really embarrassing. Yet so much emotional agony could be relieved if we take the time to explain to our daughters what their hormones are doing to them and how they can mitigate the damage, rather than just casually blaming hormones for everything.

Ok, so you get what to do to minimize the melodrama. But what about the smart ass attitude? I cringe when I hear even young kids talking to their parents disrespectfully. This is a crisis of our times and it has such a simple solution.

First, you must realize that this disrespectful speech is not generally about attitude. It is a combination of the natural process of children beginning to assert their independence AND a continuation of the natural developmental process that started the day they were born of imitating observed behavior and studying the reaction.

By Middle School, most people assume that this behavior is ALL about asserting independence and forget that the developmental process is still going on. Truthfully, it never stops. We do it as adults. We just have far more happening that we understand than we don't. There are many ways to assert independence that are not disrespectful. If disrespectful speech and behavior does not work, they will find these other ways. So, how do you curb the disrespect?

Practice this phrase, "Would you like to find another way of saying that that won't get you in trouble?" Say it out loud a few times right now. How about, "Would you like to try doing that again in a way that won't get you in trouble?" or "Would you like to try saying that in a tone of voice that won't make me want to slap you?" (I've never slapped my children, but I think it's okay to let them know how people react emotionally to certain tones of voice.) or "Would you like to try asking for that in a way that might actually make me want to get it for you?" (No change, no get.) Then wait patiently for them to do it. It might take them some time to figure out an alternative. Don't rush past this moment.

I don't know how well this will work on a teenager for whom unacceptable behavior has long been allowed. But if you start it early and use it consistently it works. By using this phrase you are accepting that this is a teaching moment for your child and not an offense to you. You are giving them the option of trying an alternate form of communication and behavior.

Sometimes, after they have changed their phrasing, they will want to know why their first phrasing was unacceptable. It's then that you'll realize I'm right. This wasn't much about them trying to assert their independence. They don't even have the bad attitude they were presenting. It was an experiment in social behavior, and you gave them the right reaction to allow them to develop into a respectful adult, capable of healthy interactions with other people.

Keep practicing. Make it your automatic response. This is important. If you fail at this you're letting your children grow up to be unemployable. Setting them up for failure. Keep your cool and say it again. If they're disrespectful to you they'll be disrespectful to everyone. This really is the crisis of our times. And the solution is simple, but it must be backed up by the unwavering patience and consistent instruction of parents everywhere.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The 2013 San Francisco Writer's Conference Preview

This Thursday, Valentines Day, I will get up early in the morning, throw my carefully packed bag in the back of my husbands work truck, get dropped off at the Larkspur Ferry, and make my way across the Bay to the Mark Hopkins Intercontinental Hotel for the tenth annual San Francisco Writer's Conference. I'm absolutely giddy with anticipation.

Three weeks ago I submitted my poetry book for children to an agent I met my first year and, she'll be back this year. Needless to say, I've been dreaming the writer's equivalent of the romance movie cliche where the two protagonists are running toward each other across a beach, or a meadow, or an airport, or... Yeah, it's rather ridiculous, but none of us can help our dreams.

It won't be all roses and romance with agents and editors for me. I'm going, as I have in the past, as a volunteer. I'll be working, along with about fifty other volunteers, to help make sure all the classes and special events go smoothly. It's a big job, and the hosts of the event graciously make volunteer positions available for people who could not otherwise afford to go. This is not the case at most conferences anymore, and it is greatly appreciated. Looking at the price tag for the first time, I wondered how anyone could afford to go. The SFWC is one of the more expensive conferences, but it is also the best conference for actually meeting industry professionals face to face. The ratio of attendees to industry pros is 3:1. No other conference has that. Now, I wonder how any serious writer can afford NOT to go.

Every industry has its conferences, and those who wish to excel in their chosen career take advantage of the opportunity to go and learn about what's going on their field. They learn to be better at what they do, and make important connections with others who can help them along their path. For some reason, writers, whose work isolates them by its very nature, don't think they have much to gain from conferences. That is the reason we need it more than most. We need to find out what's happening in publishing. We need to hone our craft. We NEED to build relationships with other writers and with industry professionals, agents, editors, publishers, web designers, marketers, etc.

While this conference will offer more than fifty workshops on everything from craft to platform to poetry, the highlight for me is the between times. The first year I sat down in the lobby next to a bored looking fellow and struck up a conversation. We talked for half an hour before being interrupted by someone with an appointment to consult with publishing visionary Kevin Smokler. I had no idea I had been chatting with someone others paid $50/15 minutes with. He spends each conference in the lobby making such appointments, helping people move along their unique path to publication. Then, he donates all the money back to the conference for a scholarship. And he's a lovely and very approachable person.

Every night of the conference Harvey Pawl facilitates a no host dinner for attendees who don't have other friends to make plans with. I highly recommend anyone attending plan to go to each of these dinners. My first year I sat next to Chuck Sambuchino of Writer's Digest, who edits the Guide to Literary Agents, and learned how much prouder he is of his little humor book, How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack, than editing the most essential guide to agents for authors. He has become one of the most in demand writer's conference speakers in the country, and he's another wonderfully approachable and entertaining guy. Later, I had dinner with an interesting gentleman who engaged with me and two other fellows in one of the most amusing arguments of my recent memory. Two years later, I'm still engaging in amusing arguments on Facebook with BookBaby founder and CEO Brian Felson.

I've talked about my sci-fi novel with Author and Physicist Ransom Stephens and Editor Gabrielle Harbowy. I've rocked the open mic with poets Brad Henderson and Dr. Andy Jones. And I've met and discussed my children's book with Andrea Brown, the Agent I dream about running across a beach at sunset to meet. All of these people are regular speakers at the conference and they are wanting to talk to writers. We're all there looking for our dream agents, and they're all there looking for the next best seller. If ever there were a zone of greater potential for a collision with destiny, this is it!

My advice to writers is, get yourself to a conference. Get out of your comfort zone, escape the friends you came with, and meet new people there. Take every opportunity to build relationships. The greatest truth you will hear there is that this industry is built on relationships. Even if you discover that your work isn't ready for publication yet, the relationships you build will help you down the road to success. Then, like me, you'll keep going back because you can't wait to see your friends. And you'll keep pushing yourself as a writer because you can't bear to go back without having some new accomplishment to talk about. If you're there, do look me up. I'm always excited to meet new people who share my passion for this art of communication!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Natural Miscarriage

There's a lot being said these days about natural childbirth. I really have little to add to the conversation beyond my hearty approval. Much less is being said about natural miscarriage. Truthfully, little is said about miscarriage at all...until you have one.

At the time I became pregnant with my first child, I knew about a dozen other women who were also pregnant. I wondered idly which of us would be the 1 in 4 that miscarry. In my 13th week, with no outward signs of trouble, I certainly didn't think it would be me. As no heartbeat could be found by Doppler in my midwife's office, I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound. There it was confirmed that my baby had died several weeks prior, but the amniotic sac had continued to grow.

I asked for a picture of my baby from the ultrasound for my scrapbook. The technician didn't want to give me one, but the doctor in charge granted my request. There is little enough to hold on to in memory of a miscarried child. Some women are barely allowed to grieve the loss. For me the photographic evidence gave me something tangible to justify my grief, if only to myself, and to share with later children as I tell the story of our family.

Back in my midwife's office, I was given an option most women today are not. Most women, especially those who miscarry so far along, are promptly sent back to the hospital for a surgical procedure called a dilation and curettage or d&c. This is the same procedure used to remove the fetus in a first trimester abortion. Since I was involved with a program presenting a high school sex ed curriculum that explained the risks of these procedures, I knew that it wasn't just an easy fix without side effects. My midwife explained the reason for this procedure—fear of bits of the pregnancy being left behind and causing infection—but I asked if there were any other options.

A veteran of thousands of births, she shared my faith in my body to do what women's bodies have evolved to do over thousands of years. I tend to trust these natural processes over medical interventions that have only been around a few hundred years at the most. Especially pertaining to natural physical processes like reproduction that should not be considered illnesses or medical events in the first place. Because of that, she explained that I could just go home and wait for my body to birth this preterm, already deceased baby naturally.

Sound terrifying? I will admit that it would have been comforting to go through this process in a more typical prepared birth environment. It is just like childbirth only more painful and over more quickly. Unfortunately, the medical establishment highly disapproved of natural miscarriage at that time. In order to send me home my midwife had to delay reporting it and scheduling the d&c and hope that I delivered naturally before anyone caught on. Home I went, with a better than average understanding of birth thanks to my sex ed instructor history and Doula mom, and instructions to call if we needed any help.

A few days later I gave my husband the scare of his life. It was two in the morning when I started having contractions and, thinking it would be a while, I decided not to wake him. I was aching in my lower back and beginning to bleed so I climbed in the shower. The pain, worse than anything I had ever experienced or imagined, escalated quickly. He awoke in a panic to the sound of my agonizing vocalizations. He called the midwife who sympathized and explained that it should be over in about an hour and reminded him to either look to be sure everything had come out, or save it to bring to her to do so. In the meantime, the shower was probably the best place for me. Then, he paced helplessly in the hall, just being there for me.

In that hour I experienced gut wrenching pain compounded by soul rending grief. I saw the fear in my husband's face and understood the desire of doctors, husbands, and even women to try and avoid this agonizing scene. I also was able to release everything that hurt inside me at the loss of my first child.

Near the end of the hour I felt I couldn't sit on the floor anymore so I stepped out and sat on the toilet. I felt the urge to push and quickly delivered an intact amniotic sac the size of a large baking potato. Clearly everything was there, and the pain abruptly ceased. My mind and body were spent. My husband helped me get cleaned up and climb into bed. I slept for two days straight waking only briefly to eat and use the toilet.

And then I woke up. I woke up with renewed hope and renewed health. The process of natural miscarriage allowed me to grieve deeply and completely and I was done. I remember my baby's birthday every year but feel no compulsion to commemorate it, and I am comfortable talking about my loss with others. Through my experience I can better understand how some cultures incorporate forms of self flagellation in their grieving practices. There was something about experiencing physical pain in tandem with my emotional pain that helped me process it and let it go. Perhaps this is part of the appeal of running marathons in memory of loved ones lost to various diseases. It's not a guarantee of closure, but it is a more active path toward it.

Having had no medical procedures, I had no complication or recovery issues. A few months later I was pregnant for the second time with a healthy baby girl. Nine months later I gave birth to her naturally in a free standing birth center with no complications.

In the wake of my miscarriage I was astounded by the number of women who opened up to me about their own miscarriages. Given the odds, most women who have three or more children have had one. Many of these women carry their grief for years if not a lifetime. In later years, as I became a practicing Doula, I saw the damage carried by women who had undergone d&c procedures for miscarriage. Not only did it leave scar tissue on the cervix that prolonged labor in future childbirth, but it seemed to have complicated the grieving process. The disconnect between the physical loss and the emotional loss seemed to leave something undone. Something that needed to be exorcised during labor before the mother could progress and deliver her healthy child.

As a result of my experience, I strongly believe that natural miscarriage should be permitted in a medical environment to reduce the risk/fear of complications. I also strongly believe that it should be encouraged by the medical profession whenever possible for the emotional health of the women who must experience this loss. I understand that further study would be required before such a recommendation could become established policy, but a study is warranted. While I would never suggest natural miscarriage be mandated (no woman should be forced to deal with this process if she is not ready for it), nor that it is a cure all for grief, I believe that in our efforts to avoid pain, we often overlook the higher goal of complete physical and emotional healing. We would rather schedule a procedure than give our bodies time to do what they can to heal themselves. We don't like to acknowledge that some types of pain are good for us.

I am interested in the thoughts of other women who have experienced a miscarriage, natural or with d&c. Please feel free to share them in the comments.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Thinking About Vaccination

I've always been a bit of a skeptic when it comes to medical advice. After all, modern medicine is relatively new and progressing at such a rapid pace that it is still accurately called "medical practice." It's not that I avoid doctors. I find their work fascinating. But I want to understand why standard procedures are standard and make the final decisions about some things myself.

It is impossible to have children these days and not enter the debate about vaccines. If only in the point of making the decision for your own children. There are scary arguments on both sides. And the FDA, AMA, and CDC, all once trusted completely, have not exactly proven that they have the best interests of the American people at heart in recent years. With questions about their motives, their money, and their members come questions about their policies and their recommendations.

As a parent, I read all the articles. Those forwarded by health nut friends, published in parenting mags and on the web sites of the aforementioned agencies, and distributed by the hospital and our doctor. I particularly appreciated the arguments of Dr. William Sears in my favorite parenting book of his, and followed his recommendation to research the history of vaccines. Then I did some math in my head to try and better understand the motivations of the various sources. Having done all this, I sat down for a conversation with our family doctor to find a reasonable solution for our family based on the following points...the arguments that mattered to me.

First, vaccines revolutionized the world of medicine and when given across the board save far more lives than they hurt. Yes, a few children will have deadly reactions to vaccines, but thousands more are saved by them. If you're the one whose child dies, there's no excuse that will satisfy you. But if you're the policy maker of a nation, you must look at the overall numbers and make a recommendation that saves the most lives. The recommendations that have saved hundreds of thousands of lives. If you have a family history of bad reactions to vaccines, you may rightly consider avoiding them. Otherwise, please consider that the complete eradication of a disease, and therefore the need for future generations to be vaccinated against it, is possible if we can achieve a high enough level of vaccination across the global population in two generations.

Second, not all vaccines need to be given in infancy. The rushed vaccine schedule is recommended by the AMA and CDC because of low follow through rates on well child care visits, especially in poorer regions of the nation. My doctor called it the "vaccinate 'em while you got 'em" policy. If you're the kind of conscientious parent who is doing research about vaccines online, you're probably also the kind that will follow through on your kids well child care visits and selectively delaying some of the vaccines will not harm, and may actually be better for your child. As with many policies, the bar is set to catch the least careful parents, even though a slower schedule would be better for most children.

Finally, the human immune system is strengthened in childhood by overcoming disease. In other words, it's important for children to get sick and to get over it. Vaccination against deadly diseases is warranted. Vaccination against easily overcome infections is not. When I had this conversation with my doctor, the varicella vaccine for chicken pox had just been added to the recommended list and I was concerned that such an easily overcome childhood illness was being avoided. Also, flu vaccines we're beginning to be recommended for children. He was concerned also. His recommendation was that the varicella be held off in the hopes that an actual case of chicken pox could be had in early childhood. If that didn't happen, and it didn't because everyone else was vaccinating for varicella in infancy, then they should get the vaccine in their early teens as the infection was much more serious, and potentially life threatening, in teens and adults.

As for flu vaccines, he was appalled with the AMA's pressure to make them standard for children. He strongly believed that unless an individual had a compromised immune system, flu vaccines should be  avoided at least until after the childbearing years. Why? Research into the long term effects of bypassing the bodies natural process of immune system growth on such a massive scale was non existent. Since that system is passed in part from mother to child, he feared the overall weakening of the human ability to overcome disease and eventual vulnerability to a widespread plague. Bacteria and viruses are constantly mutating and adapting to overcome our medical treatments for them, but our bodies, through the marvel of the human immune system, also constantly adapt to overcome them. This happens much faster and far more accurately than the science of vaccination can create and predict artificial protections from new diseases. While we suffer more in the short term, we are building strength in our species to pass on to future generations. While this science of vaccination is a miracle for children whose immune systems have been compromised or who have a particular vulnerability to disease, the recommendation of flu vaccines for otherwise healthy children is destructive to the human species as a whole. Please note that all arguments I've read about individual vaccines have been about individual risks. Perhaps because self-centered arguments garner the most attention, but the risk to our entire species is far more compelling to me than the risk of individual bad reactions. It's also far more supportable by established science than individual anecdotal reports of bad reactions.

Ultimately, my children have been given the vaccines that are most important on a delayed schedule reflecting the value of immunity they received by breast feeding for more than a year and my doctors comfort with my commitment to regular well child care. Even though we've had to change doctors over the years, my ability to articulate this reasoning about vaccines has been acceptable and none of them have argued with or belittled me about this decision. I know this is not the case for parents who come in with articles that take extremist positions, have little scientific support, or take the position that the risks to the few outweigh the benefits to the many. Unless you have a strong reason to believe your child will be one of the few, a doctor must consider the risks of an unvaccinated child to the many. Remember what I said about comprehensive vaccination's ability to completely eradicate a disease.

At home I have focused my efforts on strengthening their bodies against disease rather than avoiding it. (You won't find bleach or many antibacterial cleaners and soaps in my home but hand washing etc. is practiced.) Our household usually goes through two good bouts of cold/flu a year, one in summer and one in the winter. It's miserable, but we come out stronger. I'd rather all get it and get it over with than try hard to avoid it and have one child at a time sick because there's really no avoiding it in the end. When I hear reports about companies requiring their employees to get flu vaccines because of statistics about economic loss due to sick days, I think how short sighted they are in their greed. As if a few billion dollars in the scope of our national economy is worth the gradual weakening of the species.

In the end, this is a decision every parent has to make for themselves. It puts doctors in an uncomfortable position as statistically "vaccinate 'em while you got 'em" is still the best policy for widespread success, while they are often more conservative about vaccines themselves. They face parents who want no vaccines and parents who demand every vaccine as soon as possible. There is an appropriate middle ground with some leeway for individual situations. I hope this is one of many articles you read as you determine the arguments that mean the most to you, and I would encourage you to approach your family doctor from a position of partnership in your families health rather than an adversarial position about the controversial subject of vaccination. You may find that they are very willing to adjust the schedule and delay or eliminate less important vaccinations for parents who are well informed and committed to regular well child care.  They will also have the most recent information on outbreaks of vaccine preventable diseases in your area so you can make informed decisions either way.

I am interested to hear which arguments most influenced your family's decision either way in the comments.