Bagheera Provost, 2011-2014

This is how I started my day. After barely sleeping because I worried he wouldn't survive the night, I took W and her kitty, Bagheera, to the vet. He was too sick to save. W wanted a video with her kitty before they put him down, so I have her heartbreak to watch over and over again, should I be so masochistic. 

She held him while they did it and asked them to wrap him in her blanket in the burial box so he would be comfortable. She decorated his box with love messages and made her sisters do the same. Then, we went to Costco to pick out a fruit tree to bury him under. I put them to work doing some other digging and planting in the yard and we all took turns digging on the big hole while we waited for Dad to come home. 

He finished digging, then, Winnie put the box in and buried it with Dads help, while E sang "I'll Fly Away" and "Amazing Grace" softly in the background. Then, she said her piece and we all agreed that Bagheera was a very special kitty. 

He was. He not only tolerated all her aggressive affection, but purred continuously through it. He was already in her bed at bedtime, so she didn't have to chase him down, and waited until she fell asleep to get up and do his night prowling. He was only about 2 and a half years old. He got sick and stopped eating. He felt like a bag of bones when we took him in, and he was clearly hurting. 

I realize I'm writing an obituary for a cat, but the internet has become our family album, and she will want to look back and remember him here. This video is sad stuff, but not as sad as watching her carry that little coffin shaped box out of the vets office with barely controlled grief on her face. She didn't want to put it down so she sat right next to it in the office while I settled the bill. Normally she would be clinging to my legs, but she couldn't leave that box. 

I'm not worried about her. She does everything intensely and then moves on quickly. But I feel like a wrung out dishrag at this point. I don't think my own grief has ever been as wearing as watching my 7 year old daughter grieve. I'm guessing other moms would say the same. 

Then I think, this was all just over a cat! Someday it will be a person she loves. Someday it will be me. The process we went through today is just the very beginning of teaching her how to process all the pain that life will throw at her so she can eventually live without her mom and dad. 

Life is long and hard, and having children makes it harder...and better. Just not today. Today hurt.