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Thursday, December 25, 2014

This is THAT Christmas

Dec. 25, 2014

I did some mental math as I finished wrapping presents this Christmas Eve, and I realized that we were finally going to have THAT Christmas. I've watched other close friends and family celebrate THAT Christmas and rejoiced with them, knowing our turn would come. I remember it happening for my parents when I was a kid of about seven. It took a long time for us. Much longer than I expected. We celebrated 18 years of marriage this year, and right up until October things were still looking grim. 

When I left home to marry, I naively thought that I'd be living the same quality of life I enjoyed as my parent's child. Not right away of course, but at least in a few years. That's not asking for much, I thought. Just what I'd always considered normal and somewhat average. But life knocks us all about. I don't particularly care to think of all the knocks we've taken in the last 18 years. Not all at once for sure. I actually just shuddered after typing that. No kidding.

We struggle and persevere, and one day we're wrapping Christmas presents and realize we spent way more than we thought on our kids, and it's okay. It's okay because all the credit cards are paid off. The bills are all current. The car is paid off and running well. We're three years into buying a house and it's already saving us $600-$800/month over a comparable rental. There's money in savings to cover the roof replacement that's coming up next month and other minor house things are getting fixed promptly instead of waiting for that indefinable period, "when we can afford it". The pantry is full and there's room in the budget to keep it that way and keep putting money aside every month for the next big thing. Everyone is healthy. Everyone is here. And have you noticed the price of gas plummeting!?! That's a $120 gift to my budget every month, too.

God only knows what next year will bring, but there are no looming crises. No big impossibilities hovering over us. I even started putting my change in a jar and saving it up for our dream trans-Panama or trans-Atlantic cruise vacation for our 20th Wedding Anniversary, and it seems possible. Six months ago I was scraping change together to buy bread. It's a strange feeling. The stress of last year, fed by depression, feels like the distant experience of some other person. You can bet I'm still taking vitamin D like my life depends on it, because it does.

So this is what THAT Christmas is. The first time I can give my kids what I really want to instead of what I found a good deal on. When I can throw a party for my extended family and friends and foot the whole bill with a smile. A really BIG smile because it's fun to get my turn to give. When I can let myself relax completely instead of wondering how I'm going to make ends meet with two short pay checks in a row from unpaid holidays. When I'm not worried about utilities getting shut off in January because I'm pushing my budget to the limit and one overdraft could send it over the edge. 

When I actually bought my husband what I wanted to give him, instead of writing the traditional 'this is what I'd get you if I could' love letter. Not that there was anything wrong with the love letters. They were mutual and lovely. But they were part of the making do period of our lives. The concessions we made to move forward into this new season. Where I finally feel that I'm living at the level of life I lived before I left home, and giving my kids at least as much as I received. Not just materially, though overall financial stability is a key factor, but in terms of my emotional availability, because the stress did create tension between us. Moments when I felt I was failing miserably. Moments when I wondered if we would ever get here. Then suddenly...we are.

I've watched it happen to others. Going a little overboard on gifts is typical, because it is so much better to be able to give. It's transformative in the impact it has on their life outlook. It's food for hope. It's a fat steak and potatoes dinner for hope that was starving. It will keep it going for another 18 years. I know very well that tomorrow may bring more impossibilities to try our strength. Life takes radical turns on us when we least expect it. We may only have this one moment of peace. So, I'm going to treasure it. I'm going to savor every moment of THIS Christmas in my memory. 

I'll be more practical next year. I'll read those articles I skipped about having a less materialistic holiday. We've had as much fun giving this year to the community food pantry and rescued girls in Brazil, as we have to each other. The balance is there for our kids I think. 

It doesn't really matter what our finances look like next year, or 18 more years from now. We'll never have THAT Christmas again, because it can only happen once. It's like surfacing for air after being under water for a very long time. You keep breathing after that, but no other breath will be like that first one. You won't remember those other breaths, but you'll never forget the first one. There are a lot of you who know exactly what I mean. If you're not there yet, keep going. It will happen for you too! For some people it does only take a year or two. For others it takes even more than our 18. But it happens if you persevere; if you keep trying and never give up!

To be honest, I'm still wrapping my head around this. In the past I've wondered at what point I would start to feel like a grown up. Like I'm not a teenager playing house anymore, struggling to get it right. Tonight, as I write this, I actually feel grown up. We're not suddenly weathly, but we finally have enough. I wanted to share this on my blog not to brag, but because I know I have lots of young married friends going through the same sort of struggles we endured. I know how it encouraged me to see others who had also struggled finally make it. 

I'm hoping some of my older friends, those who inspired me, will share about the year they had THAT Christmas. How many years were you married when it happened? What were the things that defined it for you? How did it change you? 

My hope is engorged right now and I'm sending out the leftovers if yours needs a little something to keep it going.

Merry Christmas!