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Sunday, November 8, 2015

Wedding Regrets

Like nearly every little girl, I had visions of my perfect wedding when I was growing up. There are half a dozen home-made wedding dresses in Barbie World that can attest to that. When I married at the age of 19, my dress was perfect, the day was perfect, the people were perfect. For a relatively minuscule budget we managed to have an event with an open invitation to our church family, in addition to the 150 invitations we sent out. That was our first priority, and we were overwhelmed by the people who came out to support us or sent cards and letters from around the country. The ushers estimated 250 people packed into the church to celebrate with us. Young as I was, I managed to marry the perfect man for me. Nearly 20 years later I can still affirm that.

But the budget was small, our church didn't have a ceiling (it was under construction), the photographer was still learning, and the background color of the reception hall was just plain ugly. None of those are really regrets. They were things I accepted in order to accommodate our priority of having the people we love, and who love us, surround us on our wedding day. Miss Manners wrote that you should write out your guest list first and then figure out what kind of wedding you can have for that many people on your budget, rather than planning a fancy wedding for however many people you can afford and cutting your friends list.

Many dear friends volunteered to help make it happen. A lovely friend of my mother's, and mine now, volunteered to help with the decorations. I knew she made beautiful crafts and gratefully accepted her help. I had a vision of what I wanted that I could do within my budget. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't that great either. My mom wouldn't let me have a bridesmaid in each color of the rainbow, so I had to settle for a blander palette. It was just adequate. There was no way it could be my dream plan and I had reconciled myself to that. When we met in the reception hall to talk about it, she had some other visions, but I was stressed and felt like so many things were already out of my control and had been compromised on that I wasn't able to see her vision. That was the moment I fell apart and cried. It happens to every bride at some point. I didn't want to control every detail, I just didn't want to feel so entirely out of control. Later that evening I pulled myself together and got over it. She graciously helped me create my vision for the reception hall decorations anyway.

A while later her daughter got married. Again, she created all the decorations. This time according to her own vision. It was incredibly beautiful. I discreetly inquired about the cost of doing so much. Crafters generally love to share when they make something amazing from very little budget. Her budget for those amazing decorations was about the same as mine had been. At that moment I deeply regretted shutting down her offer of a better vision because I was so afraid to let go of any more of my own.

It's never fun to learn you've been small minded. It's a lesson I hope I learned well enough to not repeat. Creativity is highly valued at present in all sorts of projects. But when a leader is so enamored of their own vision that they shut down the visions of the creative people around them, those people cannot give them their best. As with most regrets, I don't lament what was, but what could have been.

I'm pretty sure I complimented my friend profusely at her daughter's wedding. I'm not sure I apologized. If you're reading this, I'm so sorry I shut you down. Not just because my decorations could have been so much better, but because I value you as a person and I appreciate now your character, that you were able to continue to help me because you loved me even when I was young and stupid. You have always made me feel loved. Thank you.

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